Warning: This article contains an image that may be disturbing to all Blood Bowl coaches and any other adherents to the religion of Nuffle-ism. Read at your own risk.
The Filthasmellfia Fleagles suffered their first loss of the
season in a heartbreaking 2-1 defeat vs. the London Orcish B.B.F.C. Despite
snatching another first-half defensive TD, this time by gutter runner Devermin
Sniff, the Fleagles were again unable to convert on their own offensive drive
and gave up two TDs to the B.B.F.C.’s blitzers Kaarushk “Born Killer” and Ghorghor
“Boom Boom.” The banged up skaven squad also suffered 4 casualties and 7 KOs in
their second straight brutal match vs. an orc squad.
“We really need to find a way to reduce those injury numbers,”
said Fleagles Coach Nickon Spearinme
during the postgame press conference. “I’ll be looking at every option this
week, but right now the only idea I have is … uh … maybe … not play orcs?”
The Fleagles aggressive, ball-hawking defense once again led
to an early score, but this time, the team got some magical assistance. Missing
four players for the game, Filthasmellfia was awarded enough inducement gold to
afford a wizard, so the team hired the services of junior sorceress Mirvis the
Scattered. Once her fireball stunned the ball carrier, Kaarushk, and freed the
ball deep in Orcish territory, the Fleagles quickly took advantage.
Linerat Jake Smelliot blitzed forward shoving goblin Uggix “Kneebreaker”
back from the loose ball. Sniff spun away from the orc marking him, snatched up
the ball with one paw, and scampered toward the endzone. Unwisely, however,
Sniff slowed down to try to eat up some game clock. This gave orc blitzer
Grushk “Dark Heart” time to catch the gutter runner from behind after Uggix
managed to sink his teeth into Smelliot’s thigh, taking the linerat down and
clearing a path for the blitz.
After Grushk delivered a forearm shiver to the back of Sniff’s
head, he and the ball hit the pitch, and the Fleagles’ threat looked suddenly less
threatening. Fortunately, Sniff was able to keep his wits about him, rolling
away from the orcs’ stomping feet, grabbing the ball, and dodging his way into the
end zone to put Filthasmellfia up 1-0 early.
“I’m really proud of our defensive effort today,” said Coach
Spearinme. “Takeaways like that are something we’ve really been focusing on in
practice, so it’s nice to see the fellas put it all together and make it pay
off on the field. Of course, it does help when you can pay someone to conjure a
huge ball of hellfire from the sky and unleash it upon the other team.”
The quick score left plenty of time in the half for London
to mount a drive for the equalizer, setting up a cage after Kaarushk (recovered from minor fireball burns) easily claimed
the ball off the kick off. From there, they methodically bashed their way down
field, knocking out 5 rats in the process, and Kaarushk stormed across the goal
line untouched to tie the game just before half time.
Receiving the second-half kick, the Fleagles were still in
good shape to try for the 2-1 victory. Mostly, this was because all of their KO’d
players awoke for the second half after Spearinme waved a hunk of moldy cheese
inside an old sock soaked in raw sewage about the KO box. “That always gets the
boys up and ready to skitter about,” he said after the match.
To try to eat up some clock and preserve his players before
going for the go-ahead TD, Spearinme waved his rats back into a withdrawn offense
after thrower Skenny Snickett scooped up the kickoff. The team slinked back
toward the edge of its own goal line, with their gutter runners flanked wide
and Snickett protected behind a cadre of blockers, as the orcs marched forward.
“Look, some people call this kind of offense cowardly,” said
Spearinme, “but I tell you, it takes a lot of guts for those gutter runners to
stand back there facing down a slowly approaching wall of pure green rage and
not run off the field and out of the stadium. So let’s give the rodents some
credit.”
Midway through the second half, however, as London’s big ‘un
blocker Grulkas “Green Twilight” engaged Fleagles loner linerat Thuss along the
eastern sideline, Filthasmellfia saw their chance, and it was time to stop
slowly retreating and trembling with fear. Snickett could hand the ball to gutter
runner, A.J. Brownrat, and a block followed by a blitz would clear a path for
Brownrat to streak up field and put the approaching orcs out of reach.
Spearinme gave the signal, and two linerats ran forward to
support Thuss. Thuss lowered his shoulder into Grulkas, knocking mass of green-skinned
rage and aggression off his feet, and moving forward to get a paw on Takar “Dark
Eye,” who was protecting the sideline behind Grulkas. Now, it was Smelliot’s
turn to try for his second key block of the game.
With Thuss pawing at one of Takar’s arms, Smelliot had the
clear advantage and looked sure to at the very least push the orc lineman aside.
But then something strange happened. In the sky above the field, four great
clouds of smoke appeared coalescing into roughly circular forms.
A young man in the stands was heard to say, “Look, it’s four
small moons.” But a wizened sage beside him corrected him, saying ominously,
“those are no moons.”
And then it became clear that the old man was right. The
smoky clouds swirled, thunder rumbled in the distance, and the sky turned red. Suddenly,
the shapes of empty eye sockets and grinning mouths appeared on each loud of
smoke, forming what was now clearly a vision of four ghostly, laughing skulls
hanging in the air above the stadium.
Distracted by the mysterious vision, Smelliot looked skyward
and took his eye off of Tarkar, which is never a good idea when making a block,
and is even less of a good idea when your opponent outweighs you 350 pounds to 135.
As Smelliot took in the vision of the skulls and shuddered with fear, Tarkar
delivered a solid green fist to his throat.
Smelliot collapsed to the pitch, gagging on his own blood
and failing to clear a path for Brownrat. In the process, he also distracted
his teammates so thoroughly with his shocking failure and his gurgling screams
of pain, that they all stood stunned. Being much more used to gurgling screams
of pain (many orc clans are known to use them as children’s nursery rhymes),
the B.B.F.C. players were not stunned, and wasted no time in bludgeoning every
skaven player they could reach.
They quickly separated Snickett from the ball as well as his
consciousness, surfed Sniff out of the back of the endzone and into a crowd of
orc fans who had a fun time trying to see if his ears were removable, and then scooped
up the ball. In the midst of the melee, Tarkar also took revenge upon Tuss for his
insulting block on his big’un teammate, by tearing off the linerat’s arm and
swiftly beating him to death with it.
“It’s bad-means enoughs to kills the poor-sad little rat,”
said a clearly shaken Smelliot after the game. “But to do’s it with his owns
arm, is just cruel-evil. Thoughs I guess I am happy-glad, theys didn’t do’s it
with my arm.”
With their ball-carrier, Ghorghor, protected by a solid cage
of blockers just a few steps from the endzone and most of the Fleagles lying on
the pitch (or dead in Tuss’s case), London was able to easily run out the
remainder of the clock, score in the waning seconds, and win the game 2-1. Yet,
despite the mass violence and winning TD, much of the crowd was still
discussing the vision of the four skulls over the stadium, which had
disappeared as quickly as it appeared. Some hold that it is the harbinger of a
curse from “Nuffle” an ancient god some superstitious players and coaches still
worship, but Spearinme was hesitant to give that theory any credence.
“All I can tell you is I’ve seen Smelliot make that block a
hundred times in practice,” he said. “He can do it as easily as he can eat a
hole through Hochland cheese. Today just wasn’t his day.”
When pressed further by the scribes about the legendary Quad
Skulls curse, however, Spearinme finally snapped. “Yes, I’ve heard of Quad
Skulls, OK?” he said. “Every coach has heard of Quad Skulls. I just don’t like
to talk about it. I mean, the first rule of Quad Skulls is you do not talk
about Quad Skulls, and … oh crap, I’m talking about Quad Skulls right now … I’ve
said it like four times. Oh no! What have I … ? Never mind. Change the subject.
Uh … all I want to say is I love the great and powerful Nuffle, and I accept
all his gifts with grace and appreciation.”
Spearinme then knocked on the wooden podium, crossed and uncrossed
his fingers several times, and threw several handfuls of salt over his shoulder
before running out of the press conference in fear.
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